somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
