i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
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my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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