You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
