True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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