forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
