Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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