If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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