Need sex. Gaining weight.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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