In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
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i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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