just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
