Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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