i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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