How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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