He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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