Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I cannot find my penis.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
