I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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