hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
