call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
