If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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