Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The feeling are messing with the penis
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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