I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Welp...herpes.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
