I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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