You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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