yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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