There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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