Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
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I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
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It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize