Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
