Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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