Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
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Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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