i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize