My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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