1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You just made me feel so damn special
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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