Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
