I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize