Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
