Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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