I'm gonna have a badass scar
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
