I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
