How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
The Olympian is in my bed
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
