You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
