i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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