you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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