the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
