Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
