I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
