2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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