I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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