Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
its not stalking. its research.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
