I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
