so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
