If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
