when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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