I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
