I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
