Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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