you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
