My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
