My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
