America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
