you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
