So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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